[21 Jan 2008|01:11pm] i am a soundingboard. is it bad that i'm happy to be grounded? love or sympathy

thank you. [04 Jun 2007|07:17pm] danny i want to sincerly, oddly, && shockingly thank you. as much as i could hate you, as badly as this all ended, you showed me exactly what i want. if i could have one relationship for the rest of my life, it would be ours for the first 2 weeks. perfect. you showed me exactly how i deserve to be treated. you made everything okay. && even though you turned out to be an ass, for a little while there you did everything right. i want that again. not with you, obviously, because you suck. but i want that with someone new. i think i deserve that. i think everyone deserves that. && for once, finally finally finally, i know exactly why some other girl was picked over me. of all the girls that all the guys have ever picked over me i've never understood what it was that they had that i didn't. were they prettier? were they more interesting? were they smarter? well, thank you, because for once, i know. shes easy. && that's not just me being a bitch. i know that you were in love with me && i know that you think i'm more beautiful than her, you told me. you told other people. i'm special. i'm different. well, thank you danny. i never wanted to be beautiful. i never wanted to be special. i just want to be loved. && i think someday i will be. love or sympathy

[21 May 2007|11:03am] [ music | Everclear-- So Much For The Afterglow ] i guess i'll just never get it. two weeks ago you put up with my insane family. you could deal with my friends. you said all the right things. everything was fine. you told me you loved me. && now it's all gone to hell. && i hate your immature-half-together-so-everything-falls-apart-on-its-own-then-its-not-really-your-fault way of dealing with this. so low. i just do not understand. && you won't tell me what changed. you won't tell me anything. you were absolutely everything that i wanted && you made me feel beautiful && safe, things that i've never had before. && now you're just every other guy. && thats not who youre supposed to be. thats not who you are for me. you werent supposed to make me cry. it wasnt supposed to be like this. love or sympathy

[22 Apr 2007|01:10am] [ music | matchbox 20--all i need ] i think i got everything i wanted out of that conversation. i just don't think i'll ever be able to tell you. but thats okay right now, i think you get that. i think you get how messed up i am. i think you'll put up with it, even though you don't have to. i think you're all that i could need right now. i love that my parents like you. i love that i like you. i love that you like me too, && i know this for a fact because you told me && we didn't have to act like we were in middle school. i wish my friends didn't hate you. i wish you had a car. i wish rick wasn't your best friend. but it doesn't really matter, cus i like you. && thats all i care about right now. love or sympathy

[06 Apr 2007|01:10pm] [ mood | sad ] [ music | if i hear that song one more time, i swear to god.. ] i miss you. && i know that i'm going to end up missing something that was never that big of a deal. but to me, it was. you we're the only one who ever felt real to me. && now you're gone && it's all my fault && i can't fix it. i can't because it's you && you don't listen && it's too hard. && i feel like it could have been something so much more with you && now it's all gone to waste. i hate not getting what i want && i really wanted this. i really wanted you. && now no one will leave me alone. i know that it might be wrong, but this is how i'm moving on. && i'm sorry if you don't like it. but i'm never gonna have you back. if i can't have you, but i can't move on, what do i have? nothing. love or sympathy

[01 Apr 2007|06:20pm] i could go on for hours. i could go on for days. i could write a whole fucking book at this point. but i'm just too damn tired.  && if you read this, i want you to know that i stand by what i said: you were being a two-faced bitch. end of story. if you have a problem with me you say something to my face. you have a mature conversation, not online && not in a note. try to be a little less juvenile. it doesn't really matter what started this, all i care about is how you handled it. && i will not apologize. i know you always get your way. i know you're spoiled and people always give you what you want. but i will not give in. you don't get to run my life && tell me what i can && can not do. you don't give me an ultimatum. that's not what friends do. && i wish my supposed best friend could see you like i see you. you use people. it's really nice that you made time for her this weekend, cus as far as i can see you've been too damn busy for the past four months to hang out with her. shes spent every weekend with me. but as soon as you make the time for her, she chooses you. && you know it. you know you can do that to her && thats fine. i've always known she'd choose you over me. just try not to rip her apart. try to be a real friend for once. you are more like sarah than i ever realized. && for all your talk about how you'd say anything to anyones face, it's all bullshit. i've never seen it. i saw you sit there && bitch about sarah for months. i still hear it. but in the end you let me sit there && take the blame for everything. when she confronted you, you didn't back me up for shit. you're a liar.  && don't for a second think that i won't say any of this to your face. i will. we should have had this conversation on tuesday, cus what you did was shady && you know it. && i'm not expecting an apology, i'm not that stupid. i know you would never apologize. especially not to someone as insignificant as me.  i wish that for once in my life i could find a real true friend. last night i sat in my bedroom && cried becuase i haven't felt this shitty in so long. && what was worse is that i had no one to call. i looked at my phone && knew that there was no friend that i could call to be there for me. thats pretty low. one of my biggest fears in life is not being there for someone i care about when they need me. && i just wish that for once someone else had that fear. some friend was there for me, no matter what. i've never had that. && the funniest thing is that this terrible person, the one who started all of this, the guy i'm supposed to be dropping for these awesome friends of mine, is the only person whos been there for me, talking to me, listening to me, caring about whats going on. he must be a real asshole. seriously. i always say that i would choose my friends over any guy. && i would. but are these my friends? cus i've seen nothing in this past hellish week to prove that any of them give a damn about me. i've taken a lot of shit from them over the years && i've put up with their asshole boyfriends && i've been there when their asshole boyfriends fucked up. but not for me. i guess i was never really one of them, they really always have treated me differently. && i understand that they're much prettier than i am && they never really expected boys to be an issue with me, i get that. but for once could they just let me be happy? i feel like they're always trying to take that from me. they really don't know what its like. ive sat around for years && watch guy after guy just pass me by. they don't know what thats like, they could never understand. after a certain point it's not just stupid little shit anymore. it starts to make you feel like you're not good enough, like there is something wrong with you. thats rejection after rejection after rejection for years && years && years. you don't know how that feels, so dont pretend you do even for a second. 2 choose both -- love or sympathy

[19 Mar 2007|09:35pm] nick hanford.  jacob doan.  brenden andrews.  dave kowalski.  shane lafata.  nick kallibat.  matt lukas.  jacob silva. dane woody. zach eckhout. joe larocca. joe lucido. nate stubblefield. && rick fucking blake. that is a list, starting in the fourth grade, of every boy(that i can remember) that has rejected me, stomped on my heart, && chosen another girl over me. sometimes she was my best friend. sometimes i'd never even met her. but always always always some girl, somewhere was better than me. my life is pathetic. 3 choose both -- love or sympathy

[17 Feb 2007|07:50pm] yay :) 2 choose both -- love or sympathy

[04 Feb 2007|12:31am] note to self: when you're having a bad day, don't read old journal entries from a time when you had a best friend && didn't feel like jumping off a building. but now it's too late to save the night anyways && i have some things to say to some people. 1. i have faith that our friendship is for real && forever. i wrote that. i wrote that about you. less than 8 months ago i truly believed that we would be friends forever. i wish you could actully read this, but i know you never will. && in all these months since we've stopped being friends, it wasn't until today that i stopped being mad && started to feel like i'd lost something. i see you everyday, in class && at lacrosse. but i feel nothing. && i hear shit about you everyday from your new "best friends." but i feel nothing. not until today. not until i read over this journal && looked at old pictures did i really start to feel it. the sadness. the disappointment. the pain. then i started to remember the most random thing && i thought of the time in 9th grade when we went kay's birthday at kelly mann's house && we were walking down the stairs into a basement full of people who hated us && i reached for your hand && you squeezed mine tight && i knew we'd make it out alive. thats something i can never gain back, that faith in someone. the faith that they would be there when i needed them, even if i didn't know i needed them. && i'm not gonna say "oh, it was so stupid, i don't even know what the fight was about anymore." i know. && i don't think it was stupid. i think i was sad at the way you were treating your best friends. we had been there for you. we were your friend no matter who you dated. we didn't talk behind you back. and i'm sorry if what i did hurt you, but i can't believe that it hurt more than the day you walked past our table like you didn't even know us. i didn't hurt you worse than they days you sat in front of me in class && didn't say a word to me, then called me when you got home like nothing was different. i saw something changing inside of you && i didn't want to accept it. i still won't. i wonder about you sometimes, if you think about they way things used to be, like i do. i wonder if you still have all the pictures && home-made cards. i have them in the box you have me for my 15th birthday.  i wonder if you notice me in school sometimes or if i've just stopped existing to you. i wonder if i'll ever be able to listen to pat benatar again or eat jet's cheesy-bread. i wonder if you ever miss me. this not an apology. i could never do that becuase i don't truly feel sorry for what i did. i'm only truly sorry that the way you behaved and the way i reacted cost me the only thing that i ever really valued, my best friend. 2. i can't do this anymore. i can't be there for you if you're not going to there for me. it hurts to much. i can't listen to your lame excuses. i can't get ready && then sit home on a saturday night. this isn't fair. i deserve better than this. && you know it. i hate to say, but i think this time you've really lost me. what a waste of a night. love or sympathy

[03 Feb 2007|06:32pm] i can not remember the last time i cried this hard. love or sympathy

[21 Dec 2006|09:18pm] jesus christ my arm is a mess. love or sympathy

[18 Dec 2006|03:44pm] fuck you. fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou. i know it's hard. it's always gonna be hard. && its always gonna be scary. but is it worth it? it is && you know. i can't always be the brave one. && don't tell me you need to sort things out like it'll ever change. && don't act like you're the only one whos got some issues. my lifes not perfect either. would you like to see the scars on my wrists or the stab wound in my hip to prove it to you? i don't need you to be there when i'm done sorting things out. i need you to be there to help me sort things out. && i need you to recognize that i could help you. && thats all that i want from you. i want you to let me help you. i want you. && dont tell me that i dont have to wait for you. because i do. && you know it. i've been working on moving on for about 4 years. it's not working. every guy i ever meet is not you. && i dont know what the fuck it is about you, but i just love you. && thats all ive ever needed to be with you. && you need to let that be all you need to be with me. cus lifes not gonna slow down for us. its just not. i know that you love me. && you know that i know. && you know how i feel about you. && that has to be all that can matter right now. cus thats all we have. 3 choose both -- love or sympathy

[05 Nov 2006|12:51am] i love going on dates :) love or sympathy

[02 Nov 2006|09:18pm] you know what..fuck me for reading emily frankman's stupid "my love life" myspace bulliten. # 16-- Do you believe that you can change someone? I believe that love is the only thing that can change someone. I believe that we need love to help us grow && to help us become who we're meant to be. I believe I can give that love to someone. I believe that he is unwilling to change because he's scared. I believe I'm in love && there's no stopping me now. 1 choose both -- love or sympathy

[31 Oct 2006|09:46pm] [ mood | content ] i woke up this morning && realized that i don't give a shit about the people who i used to base my entire life around. && at first, that really depressed me, cus for like a split second, i thought that took away part of who i am as a person. then i realized that these peole are worthless to me && their whole sense of life is warped && irrational. i don't need to know where someone shops to be their friend && i don't care what their hair looks like. i think i had a brief(okay, like a 2 year) moment of complete brain-deadedness && in a way i was, like, flattered, or something, that these people liked me. now, i could honestly give a shit less. && i'm so glad to be able to say that these people(except for maybe one) haven't changed. no, they're still the same awful, superficial girls && self-centered guys. i've changed. i have realized that living above their bullshit is, like, the easiest thing you can possibly do. i can not talk to them, && not care, && not go to their "super-awesome totally fun parties," && not put up with their complete lack of originality. or i can, whatever. it just doesn't matter. cus they only person that has to be happy with my decision is me. && the only people that really matter are the ones who are just happy that i'm happy. && i have those people. i have nicole who is basically my sister && i love with my life. && katie, who i've been through so much with && i can't even imagine not having in my life. && marella who, hello, fucking most weird-ass amazing person ever. && meghan-- just complete love. && sierra, possibly the only person who will read this, this girl doesn't even know how amazing she is or how much i love her. i don't need fake friends. i have my own friends. && i most definately don't need their weird guy friends. i'd rather have world's most dysfunctional relationship with matt(which i might) then random, weird hook-ups with guys i cant even stand. who does that? && even worse, who does that && then sets themself up to do it again? not this girl. not any more. cus i'm done. i'm done with the bullshit. i'm done with the petty, backstabbing, worthless girls i used to call friends. i'm done with cocky guys who have bricks for brains && pencils for penises. i'm done with spending useless nights at parties with slutty drunk girls && obnoxious not-as-drunk-as-they-say-they-are guys. thats setting yourself up for a bad time && i'm done. i'm just flat out done. cus i don't care && i don't have the energy to pretend to care. i don't have time to waste on these people. they have sucked so much time && energy && personality out of me that the thought of giving them anymore makes me completely sick. 6 choose both -- love or sympathy

[18 Oct 2006|02:28am] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | brand new-- logan to government center ] you used to have interesting things to say. you used to not be so materialistic. you used to be creative and funny. you used to have the emotional capacity to think of someone other than yourself for more than 30 seconds. you used to make hella sweet songs. you used to be fun. you used to have some form of morals. you used to be able to laugh at yourself. you used to be your own person. you used to celebrate bullshit holidays with me. you used to be a good friend. you used to tell really good jokes. you used to have real friends. you used to write me really good "confidential noties." you used to have self respect. you used to be unafraid to make an ass out of yourself, just for fun. you used to have the ability to make me laugh, no matter what. you used to not make me want to puncture my own eyeball with a spork. ( weird, huh? ) 2 choose both -- love or sympathy

[28 Sep 2006|07:45pm] life is weird as hell sometimes. && i'm pretty sure like 2 months ago all the shit that was happening right now i wouldn't have even begun to guess. some people just change && you grow apart cus you have nothing in common. some people just piss you off mroe than you ever realized. && some people change for the better. i am happy now. i can't really explain it. i'm beginning to let go of things i can't change && just accept them, which is good for me. i still struggle every day with wanting to cut which is lame i know, but the razors still in the drawer && the option is still there. my mom saw my scars for the first time ever the other day && that was scary as hell. i just lied cus i knew it'd be too hard to explain that i don't anymore. it probably wouldnt have mattered anyways. i try to let that part of me go, but its a part of my life always, whether i do it or not. i like that right now i feel like i have no pressure from the people around me. i like that my friends && family only need from me what i can give them. i dont feel like i have to live up to anything or be like anyone but myself right now && i love that, i never feel that. ♥ 2 choose both -- love or sympathy

[20 Jun 2006|01:02pm] is it weird to kiss with your eyes open? 4 choose both -- love or sympathy

so, this is new.. [13 Jun 2006|11:26pm] [ mood | happy ] [ music | punchline ♥ ] i love love love summer. this is a totally new feeling, actully being happy. i hate to jinx it or something && i like never do this, but this is what's been up for summer: friday-- last day, went to sam's show with nicole katie && shawn, got shwasted, nicole spent the night, passed out watching crystal meth movie with nicole && sam saturday-- sam's grad party, spent most of day with nicole katie shwan && zach, after they left got completely shwasted with kids that i don't remember the names of sunday-- chilled pretty much all day, was supposed to go to ep to see nicole, but didn't, got coffee with matt, which was completely amazing && i totally missed him more than i even realized monday-- first day of work, not as bad as i expected tuesday-- second day of work, i'm actully starting to feel like i know what i'm doing, matt picked me up from work, we went && got coffee && then sat in my drive way for a while, he's my fave plusss, the love of my life(sarah nicole vizachero) came home today, so summer can only get better. duh. ♥ 3 choose both -- love or sympathy

[07 Jun 2006|10:51pm] today, at the mall, i came to a realization about myself. i am materialistic && vain. && i'm okay with it. not that those are like good things or anything, but i'm done trying to pretend that i'm a different person than i am. && also, i fully realized && accepted something that i've probably known for a while. i was in the polo section of lord && taylor looking for a gift for my brother && i realized that i love those clothes && guys who wear those clothes. i've spent probably a good 3 years of my life trying to say that i like skinny, dirty boys who don't wash their long hair scraggly hair && wear girl jeans that are smaller than mine. && i have no idea why. why would i pretend to like guys that are so completely "not my type?" i don't know. i like boys who are big && tall && strong && wear polos && play sports && smell like abercrombie cologne. i am a complete material girl. i am preppy && vain. && i'm 100% okay with that. 4 choose both -- love or sympathy

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